Possessiveness and me

Though when you ask my friends whether I'm possessive, the answer would be NO within a flash. Or even until months back, if you had asked me, the answer would have been no. But, quite recently, I realised the fact that I'm actually possessive of my friends. Also more importantly, quite recently, I have learned to live without them. It is a heartbreak when you see your friend going away from you. I don't mind going away after a fight. I know I can make mends anytime. But off late I'm losing friends as they are getting married. While I'm happy that they are entering a different phase of a life, I'm equally sad that someone else is going to be more important for them or I could not have the influence I had in him/her as before.

I was trying to cope with the fact that one of my closest friend got married in November last year. I felt as if loosing someone. I still know she is not moving anywhere out of the city. She is married to a very nice gentleman whom I respect a lot. She will be there if I needed her. But there was some hollowness. I forced myself out of her, so that I get used to it. Frankly I was not matured enough to handle the loss. I thought my friendship is done and dusted because of her marriage.

Before even getting to digest this fact, one other close friend told about his marriage. While I know he was already in a relationship, I know there is a person already in his life, I still could not come over the fact that he will not be the same to me. I tried to pick up all sorts of silly things to quarrel with him. Again I felt a gap. It was the period between his engagement and wedding, I have sort of matured (though not fully). I realised that friends are still friends but with some restrictions. Hes/she has not/will not move away completely. And I should always bear in mind that such restrictions are natural and alter my expectations accordingly. Once this alteration in my emotional state was made, I was more happy to loose a friend.

Now, fortunately, as I think I'm matured enough, there is one more close friend of mine who is getting married this week. I'm not feeling any loss. I feel all my friends are there. I understand that life has to move on. I'm not a child any more. With many little friends I have picked up, I will have to be future ready to face such loss. But hey man, I'm still damn possessive about all my friends.

The Idea of Integrity

I don't think anybody should think whether he deserves to make a point about the word. The word means character. The word expresses intent. It personifies righteousness. Just about the right quality of living. But why is it found lacking today? Many learned men argue that its the environment that damages the very quality. Many others argue that its people's greed that has virtually made no sense of the word in today's world. And there are few like me, who would like to believe that the damaged identity of integrity is due to individuals i.e., "WE" and not "THEY". What is the environment? It is "WE" and not "THEY". Who has greed? It is "WE" and not "THEY". Whatever may be finer reasons. But the underlying fact is "WE" are responsible and not "THEY" are responsible.


I have come across this question a multiple times from very many persons. You will have to be subject to the pressures of people, more importantly clients. How do you intend to overcome that? In the process you loose a client and being a start up you loose the future. I'm not saying that I have been clean all through out my life. There are a few greyer areas in my life as well. But the important experience for me is that those greyer pastures never repeated and there are fewer such pastures than many would have at my age. What I strive for is being independent and being honest. I'm not afraid of loosing a client. I don't fear loosing relationships. I clearly pick what I want to do. No man is perfect and when I break the rules, I'm ready to put up my hand and accept the punishment for it.


It takes a lot of courage to admit that one has compromised on integrity. Its not that we do not know that we are compromising on integrity. Its the cause that we look into to justify the compromise that's killing the entire system.


The idea of integrity is to find within us and not around us.

The look of a Girl and the change thereafter

All along I have always considered myself average looking person. I'm not fair. I'm not well built, in fact awkwardly built. I'm not attractive. I don't dress the "yo yo" kind. I'm definitely not romantic. I don't have a great voice. I don't have a great face. With all these inhibitions about myself, you can definitely guess the way I thought Girls would think of me. Briefly in my life in the past, I was told that I had some attractive features in me but I had to believe that was mostly to do with the persona in me and not on me. All the complexion I had dumped upon myself, manifested itself in a manner that I don't respect Girls as just Girls. To be more precise it cannot be called as respect. It can be said that I didn't pay attention to Girls as Girls. Also I didn't want attention of girls. I was reluctant to say the least. While that may not be true in my earlier years of adolescence, later, when I was matured enough, I did develop into such personality. I was conscious of protecting this image of mine. I began respecting Girls (the real respect and not the attention thing). I was not attracted to the fancies of Girls. I had a friend who would help me in maintaining that respect. She ensured that I had respect for women and thereby I would command respect of women.

But why am I whisking about girls, that too of the past? As I was slowly getting out of my own shackles, my friends' wedding came in as a surprise. I was and am taking help of my sisters to be more likable, presentable, caring and what not. I had reached a point in life, where I realised respect alone doesn't matter for women. There is something more to it. There is definitely some romance to it.

Also there is surely a psychological boost when a girl looks at you. Ahhh, I have come to the point. Yes at my friends' wedding, there was one particular girl looking at me. Though initially my friends guided me that this girl was looking at me, as time went by, I myself had that "awwwww" moment of her seeing me. She was just beautiful. She had powerful eyes and beautiful hair. That's more than enough for me in a women. Didn't that sound great with all the preamble I have given? It was definitely an inexplicable feeling for me. I should say that moment had changed my body language, my attitude. But due the character that I had developed over the period and the occasion being my friends' wedding, didn't allow me to proceed further. I don't know her name. I don't know what she does. I don't know if she's interested. I don't know if I ever want to meet her again, know her name, know about her, know if she is interested. All I can say is that look of the Girl has changed my life forever.

Absolute Non-sense (title given hindsight)

There are many blogs that are in my drafts waiting to be completed. But since its been more than a year since my last one, I want to post one and hopefully, this could get posted rather than entering drafts.

You are GOOD/BAD only to the extent of what you are allowed to be. So what force allows you to be what you are? I'm not an atheist. But I would definitely not attribute it to God. Next could be your environment. Your parents, relatives, friends, enemies (don't know if there is someone you could term enemy), acquaintances, neighbours, unknown persons tarvelling with you, someone driving on the road, someone serving you food at the restaurant, watchman at your flat. It can be anybody. But do you really think these many people can be the decisive factor in making you GOOD/BAD. I can't buy that argument. So only thing left is YOU. You are the only person who allow yourself to be GOOD/BAD. I can be sure of that. Your mind always is the mixture of both GOOD/BAD. It is your inner desire to be the one that decides whether you are GOOD/BAD. If you decide to be GOOD, you can be. If you are BAD, you have decided to be so. But our natural reaction when we feel we have done something BAD is finding fault with people or situation around us. What we fail to do is that we don't understand our contribution in doing something BAD. Apparently, what I mean by saying BAD things is something you would not do given a chance again in your life.

I have had many occasions in my life where I allowed myself to be BAD. I feel really really bad when I realise it. But the fact of the matter is I have done it. And my thoughts and me are responsible for it. But the most important point here is people tend to forget the BAD you so soon when you have done something GOOD. It hurts more when people do so. But I feel, individually one should remember all those incidents and use it as a self control mechanism to avoid making those mistakes/BAD moments. I have a repository of such incidents. It always plays on my mind whenever the devil in me attempts a similar thing again. I don't repeat that. It's a good virtue in a way. But the problem for me is I keep finding new ways of doing such BAD things. It becomes a lesson everytime. When such things happens, you obviously would have hurt people. I have hurt people. I have hurt my mother, father, uncle, aunt, grandma, friends, sisters, teachers, bosses, colleagues, well-wishers.  I have hurt many many people with all such BAD things. It can't be repaired. But all those people have been generous enough to accept me even after I have hurt. That doesn't make me better. Particularly with my mom, aunt, sisters and friends. I take them for granted. I realise I shouldn't repeat it. But I invariably breach it.

The reason why I wanted to share this is, I have seen many people who are not ready to accept the fact that nobody is responsible for their character. They just try to avoid the blame on themselves. There are persons who delay the process being blamed. If you are termed GOOD, its because you have been GOOD to the person saying so. If you are termed BAD, you have been BAD to the person saying so. CONFRONT it. As I said people forget BAD things once you have been GOOD to them. Make it a point to score more Gs than Bs.