No person is same the next second and so is you. Expectation causes disappointment. Acceptance is the only cure

Thursday, September 3, 2015

I too have a dream

I have a dream, that we are a superpower
I have a dream, that we are a corruption free state
I have a dream, that we are a self-sufficient state
I have a dream, that we are a completely literate
I have a dream, that we preserve our natural resources

I have a dream, that our education system is world class
I have a dream, that our healthcare is next to none
I have a dream, that our politicians are scholars
I have a dream, that our athletes finish top in Olympics
I have a dream, that our football team qualified for World Cup

I have a dream, that people are rational
I have a dream, that people respect rules
I have a dream, that people respect lives
I have a dream, that people are not crazy of the west
I have a dream, that people believe in being Indian

I have a dream, that I'm an Economist
I have a dream, that I'm not an angry man
I have a dream, that I'm devoid of disorders
I have a dream, that I'm never wrong
I have a dream, that I'm ..........

I too have a dream.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

An account of last two years

Two long years and now when I look back, it has been as eventful as it could be. I have changed in shape. I have changed as a person. My environment has changed. And looking at my previous blogs, I realise that it will continue to change in the future. Alas, wise-men said change in inevitable. 

What has not changed

My life would be merrier if there is a day when I could write that I have controlled my anger. It continues to be my self-destructive weapon. Nothing has changed in this part of me. I need to put concentrated efforts to change. I have hurt parents, near parents, friends, sisters, colleagues and might be people I never know. The reason more, why I feel I should control my anger, is the fact that most people have hung around me even after the hurt I have caused. That is unfathomable. And for those who bid farewell to me, well it has been a lesson well learnt for both of us. I respect your/my decision.

What has changed

I have developed a sense of pride of being myself including my physical self. While I had this for the intellectual part of me, I have further aggravated it to a level of booming self confidence. I know my strengths better. I understand my weaknesses better. Big thanks to my closest and best friend today. It is hardly two years and I can proudly say that she is one of the important individual in my life. Right person at the Right time as a friend is indeed a God's gift. The benefits of the friendship are intangible and I have been a selfish person in just accepting it. On the one hand she made sure I gained the self-confidence, on the other hand she was instrumental in helping me understand that it is important to get over your past, get rid of the excess baggage. My vocabulary is so bad, I could not find a sentence in English to put forth her words, "tharatharam theriyama pazhagaadha". Might sound racist, but appreciate the true meaning of it. Minus her, I would not be as happy as I'm here today.

Professionally I have reached a place where I could not have imagined to be, two years back. After venturing at practice, now I have taken up employment. I would say I have comfortably warmed up over the last one year, for a smooth take off. I would rather concede that I'm more than happy here.

At home, I have lost my father. He is an important person in my life. He was physically handicapped for over 15 years and it was painful to see a person who loves roaming around, being tied down at home. Finally he was relieved of his duties on earth, though I would have loved to have him see me grow. Peace at home now makes up for the grief of loss of him. Mom, chithi, paati and pet are always there for me in spite of my anger. I have hurt them badly. At home is where I would like immediate control of my anger. I'm happy at home but not these souls who take of me. 

The present

The present is happening for me. I have just completed the book I wanted to complete for over two years now. It will be out in the markets. I'm liking myself being a teacher. Though I would feel the commitment levels of mine is not up to what I have seen in remarkable teachers. I'm coming there. I'm enjoying my job. I'm having good set of people around me. I'm having the best friend of my life. I'm happier than ever. 

P.S. This is bit like writing down a diary.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Balu Anna

The dreadful disease is just picking pace in impacting every household one way or the other. It affects their kith and kin or neighbours. Nevertheless impact is everlasting. For the fact that it affects your loved one. While the increasing frustration that with such advancements in the field of science and technology is the common link connecting such affected individuals, what differentiates is the mental strength to accept the vacuum that could be created.  What made me write this post is one such loss for me and my family. The frustration I carry is not towards technology. It is towards human element that carries the advancements. The mental strength or absence of it is not only to do with the age of the dear one we lost, but the manner in which the end was drafted. 

It was all well in August 2010, when Balu anna treated his mom's retirement with his own hand at the kitchen, cooking for nearly 50 odd people. His delicious Naan, Panner Butter Masala, Vegetable fried rice was lip smacking that we suggested opening a restaurant to keep his retired mom busy. Yes it was last day of August 2010. He complained of headache in the months of September and October, but it was shrugged off considering the weather in Bangalore and the strain he takes to complete his long cherished dream of becoming an aeronautical engineering. By the way he was working for Software MNC in Bangalore after completing his MCA before which he had done his B.Com. It would be difficult to understand why a person wanting to become an aerospace engineer would do his B.Com. Thats what happens with every Indian Child. Their dreams are considered dreams and parent's dreams or affordability decides what should have been their dreams. Due to such anomalies, he took commerce route, before ultimately taking up software. This threw window of opportunity where he sensed he could do AMITE and then do AESI. He was happy eventually having done MCA, though initially he was not comfortable with taking up the course. 

He had hurried past the months of September and October with the headache. In the month of November, he reached a point, where he was reeling in pain and in fact boiled out that he feared death because of this headache. He had started off from Bangalore immediately to reach home in Chennai. Little did he know that was his last stay at Bangalore. For a headache, local doctor was consulted and he diagnosed typhoid. Since the headache never let off, the doctor was changed. Even after that, the headache didn't recede, an eye specialist was consulted. He suggested to consult a neuro, who initially thought it was TB, but various stages of diagnosis led to the conclusion of Cancer of December 31, 2010. Things could drastically change in a 4 month period. But what was even more worse was that, the diagnosis was at Stage IV, which is the advanced stage of diagnosing the disease and there is little hope of survival for long term.

Here are my first set of frustrations on the humans behind the system. First the local doctor who insisted its just typhoid. Why on earth did he not doubt anything serious in spite of weeks of treatment? What made him conclude it as typhoid? What arrogance made him snub the patient's fear of something else? How come some other doctor immediately said to consult an eye specialist and later a neuro? Was he ignorant of diseases around the modern world? Second the time neuro was consulted and the biopsy was done, it was close to 20 days. Why cant the procedures be done fast to lead to diagnosis early? With all the sufficient delays, finally why you blame the patient saying you are too late to cure.

What followed that new year was terrible set of realisations. Realisations about the value of life, quality of medical care in the country and personally for me, realisation about an individual whom I considered as a well wisher. The treatment finalisation took half a month after diagnosis. The learned doctors thought the life could be up to a maximum of 6 months with the treatment. The internet was filled with telling analysis of the disease and its survival rates. Yet, I would, as positively as always, believe that Balu anna is going to be with me for a longer period of time. After the first round of chemo, he was with us in Tirunelveli attending my cousin's wedding. I could spend good amount of time in the initial stages of diagnosis with him. Later, the time spent with him dwindled with me taking up an employment.

With regular treatment visits for chemo and radiation, life was a routine. His sufferings have become routine. Prayers and hopes were routine. The time spent with him also became a routine. In spite of all these routines, life was like an ECG, emotions running up and down in a rhythmic pattern.

The whole story around cancer startled me. The trauma of kith and kin of patients diagnosed with cancer frightened me. The response of few doctors and hospital management angered me. The helplessness and the frustration of the patients themselves saddened me.

Why would someone like me, with little emotions around, be impacted?? Balu Anna was one of the important person in my life. He was one of the early mentors of my life. He was someone whom I looked up to. He was a role model. He is one of the reasons why I'm a chartered accountant. That's sufficient. He was always there as an elder brother. He was there to guide. He was there to argue. He was there to fight. He was there to fall upon. He was there to understand. Most of all, he is a good natured human being. He is faithful to God. He looks divine, may be that's the reason why God wanted him back with him so soon. Though, I don't remember how I have given him back for all that I got from him.

The last few days of his were dreadful. He was struggling with pain. Every part of body would be betraying him with pain. All those cells that flourished with his nutrients have started eating his nerves. Every nerve would have such unbearable pain. I was not able to see him struggle in pain. He was admitted to hospital and the gradual decline in his breathing resulted in sudden pause of his breath. He was declared dead. A vacuum is left in my life. He will be terribly missed. I would have been a better person if he was here with me. He definitely would have been happier on seeing me grow. I have loads and loads of memories about him. And I would like to carry all those with me for my life. 

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Possessiveness and me

Though when you ask my friends whether I'm possessive, the answer would be NO within a flash. Or even until months back, if you had asked me, the answer would have been no. But, quite recently, I realised the fact that I'm actually possessive of my friends. Also more importantly, quite recently, I have learned to live without them. It is a heartbreak when you see your friend going away from you. I don't mind going away after a fight. I know I can make mends anytime. But off late I'm losing friends as they are getting married. While I'm happy that they are entering a different phase of a life, I'm equally sad that someone else is going to be more important for them or I could not have the influence I had in him/her as before.

I was trying to cope with the fact that one of my closest friend got married in November last year. I felt as if loosing someone. I still know she is not moving anywhere out of the city. She is married to a very nice gentleman whom I respect a lot. She will be there if I needed her. But there was some hollowness. I forced myself out of her, so that I get used to it. Frankly I was not matured enough to handle the loss. I thought my friendship is done and dusted because of her marriage.

Before even getting to digest this fact, one other close friend told about his marriage. While I know he was already in a relationship, I know there is a person already in his life, I still could not come over the fact that he will not be the same to me. I tried to pick up all sorts of silly things to quarrel with him. Again I felt a gap. It was the period between his engagement and wedding, I have sort of matured (though not fully). I realised that friends are still friends but with some restrictions. Hes/she has not/will not move away completely. And I should always bear in mind that such restrictions are natural and alter my expectations accordingly. Once this alteration in my emotional state was made, I was more happy to loose a friend.

Now, fortunately, as I think I'm matured enough, there is one more close friend of mine who is getting married this week. I'm not feeling any loss. I feel all my friends are there. I understand that life has to move on. I'm not a child any more. With many little friends I have picked up, I will have to be future ready to face such loss. But hey man, I'm still damn possessive about all my friends.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

The Idea of Integrity

I don't think anybody should think whether he deserves to make a point about the word. The word means character. The word expresses intent. It personifies righteousness. Just about the right quality of living. But why is it found lacking today? Many learned men argue that its the environment that damages the very quality. Many others argue that its people's greed that has virtually made no sense of the word in today's world. And there are few like me, who would like to believe that the damaged identity of integrity is due to individuals i.e., "WE" and not "THEY". What is the environment? It is "WE" and not "THEY". Who has greed? It is "WE" and not "THEY". Whatever may be finer reasons. But the underlying fact is "WE" are responsible and not "THEY" are responsible.

I have come across this question a multiple times from very many persons. You will have to be subject to the pressures of people, more importantly clients. How do you intend to overcome that? In the process you loose a client and being a start up you loose the future. I'm not saying that I have been clean all through out my life. There are a few greyer areas in my life as well. But the important experience for me is that those greyer pastures never repeated and there are fewer such pastures than many would have at my age. What I strive for is being independent and being honest. I'm not afraid of loosing a client. I don't fear loosing relationships. I clearly pick what I want to do. No man is perfect and when I break the rules, I'm ready to put up my hand and accept the punishment for it.

It takes a lot of courage to admit that one has compromised on integrity. Its not that we do not know that we are compromising on integrity. Its the cause that we look into to justify the compromise that's killing the entire system.

The idea of integrity is to find within us and not around us.

Monday, May 20, 2013

The look of a Girl and the change thereafter

All along I have always considered myself average looking person. I'm not fair. I'm not well built, in fact awkwardly built. I'm not attractive. I don't dress the "yo yo" kind. I'm definitely not romantic. I don't have a great voice. I don't have a great face. With all these inhibitions about myself, you can definitely guess the way I thought Girls would think of me. Briefly in my life in the past, I was told that I had some attractive features in me but I had to believe that was mostly to do with the persona in me and not on me. All the complexion I had dumped upon myself, manifested itself in a manner that I don't respect Girls as just Girls. To be more precise it cannot be called as respect. It can be said that I didn't pay attention to Girls as Girls. Also I didn't want attention of girls. I was reluctant to say the least. While that may not be true in my earlier years of adolescence, later, when I was matured enough, I did develop into such personality. I was conscious of protecting this image of mine. I began respecting Girls (the real respect and not the attention thing). I was not attracted to the fancies of Girls. I had a friend who would help me in maintaining that respect. She ensured that I had respect for women and thereby I would command respect of women.

But why am I whisking about girls, that too of the past? As I was slowly getting out of my own shackles, my friends' wedding came in as a surprise. I was and am taking help of my sisters to be more likable, presentable, caring and what not. I had reached a point in life, where I realised respect alone doesn't matter for women. There is something more to it. There is definitely some romance to it.

Also there is surely a psychological boost when a girl looks at you. Ahhh, I have come to the point. Yes at my friends' wedding, there was one particular girl looking at me. Though initially my friends guided me that this girl was looking at me, as time went by, I myself had that "awwwww" moment of her seeing me. She was just beautiful. She had powerful eyes and beautiful hair. That's more than enough for me in a women. Didn't that sound great with all the preamble I have given? It was definitely an inexplicable feeling for me. I should say that moment had changed my body language, my attitude. But due the character that I had developed over the period and the occasion being my friends' wedding, didn't allow me to proceed further. I don't know her name. I don't know what she does. I don't know if she's interested. I don't know if I ever want to meet her again, know her name, know about her, know if she is interested. All I can say is that look of the Girl has changed my life forever.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Absolute Non-sense (title given hindsight)

There are many blogs that are in my drafts waiting to be completed. But since its been more than a year since my last one, I want to post one and hopefully, this could get posted rather than entering drafts.

You are GOOD/BAD only to the extent of what you are allowed to be. So what force allows you to be what you are? I'm not an atheist. But I would definitely not attribute it to God. Next could be your environment. Your parents, relatives, friends, enemies (don't know if there is someone you could term enemy), acquaintances, neighbours, unknown persons tarvelling with you, someone driving on the road, someone serving you food at the restaurant, watchman at your flat. It can be anybody. But do you really think these many people can be the decisive factor in making you GOOD/BAD. I can't buy that argument. So only thing left is YOU. You are the only person who allow yourself to be GOOD/BAD. I can be sure of that. Your mind always is the mixture of both GOOD/BAD. It is your inner desire to be the one that decides whether you are GOOD/BAD. If you decide to be GOOD, you can be. If you are BAD, you have decided to be so. But our natural reaction when we feel we have done something BAD is finding fault with people or situation around us. What we fail to do is that we don't understand our contribution in doing something BAD. Apparently, what I mean by saying BAD things is something you would not do given a chance again in your life.

I have had many occasions in my life where I allowed myself to be BAD. I feel really really bad when I realise it. But the fact of the matter is I have done it. And my thoughts and me are responsible for it. But the most important point here is people tend to forget the BAD you so soon when you have done something GOOD. It hurts more when people do so. But I feel, individually one should remember all those incidents and use it as a self control mechanism to avoid making those mistakes/BAD moments. I have a repository of such incidents. It always plays on my mind whenever the devil in me attempts a similar thing again. I don't repeat that. It's a good virtue in a way. But the problem for me is I keep finding new ways of doing such BAD things. It becomes a lesson everytime. When such things happens, you obviously would have hurt people. I have hurt people. I have hurt my mother, father, uncle, aunt, grandma, friends, sisters, teachers, bosses, colleagues, well-wishers.  I have hurt many many people with all such BAD things. It can't be repaired. But all those people have been generous enough to accept me even after I have hurt. That doesn't make me better. Particularly with my mom, aunt, sisters and friends. I take them for granted. I realise I shouldn't repeat it. But I invariably breach it.

The reason why I wanted to share this is, I have seen many people who are not ready to accept the fact that nobody is responsible for their character. They just try to avoid the blame on themselves. There are persons who delay the process being blamed. If you are termed GOOD, its because you have been GOOD to the person saying so. If you are termed BAD, you have been BAD to the person saying so. CONFRONT it. As I said people forget BAD things once you have been GOOD to them. Make it a point to score more Gs than Bs.